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Oscar winner, nobody cares about your speech. You just have to go viral

The 2019 Academy Awards are upon us, and if you plan to see Hollywood's finest awards, when you award the world's best prizes to peers, it's time to take that idea out of your mind pick up.

The Oscars are not about the movies . The awards are all about one thing: the decision of who made the most ridiculous / ill-advised / funniest / awkward speech, and then turn their triumphant moment into a feed for social media.

Gone are the days of one-sentence acceptance speeches and the list of Hollywood insiders who helped their precious little project get on the big screen. Forget serious emotion, celebrate the people who earned the highest profits and watch the culmination of a lifelong work.

You just have to become viral.

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Oscars 2019: How do I write the perfect speech and go viral


Every reaction must be permissive, any rapidly adopted social thing whose name is dropped in a speech must be hashtageable, and if you mess it up, you feel that you need to do this while a camera is training you to do So the live feed. Just as my mother said to me in my ballet performance in first grade, "If you twist your ankle, make sure the judges are watching, Kiddo!"

If, by a wonderful coincidence, you are the lucky idiot who made it to the Hollywood Establishment's Crystal Palace, prepare yourself this year for a "just in case" take (and do not lie, you are it.) If you play it down (but you are so desperate to win) then CNET has put together the perfect list of tips to become viral.

Oh look! Here they are summarized to a practical video !

The keys to take away? They must fall over, weep politically, weep diamond-like tears, be cute, but not be ugly and make sure that every face movement is either completely calm (read: easily captured in a screenshot for Insta) or a perfect three second animated expression (make these GIFs rain!).

If you can not make it to the heart of Los Angeles and your thank-you speech is transmitted to a remote control while you stare at your TV and wipe the grease of reheated mozzarella chopsticks to your home feeling, these tips will work.

And if you are the kind of person like me who loves to see others fail in public, watch the show at 0.5x speed to see the exact moment in which the cracks in Their Perfectly Shaped Facade Appears, These Tips Will Be Right Give a checklist of the ways the "Best Director / Actor / Actress / Sound Design in an Inaccessible Documentary" speech missed the mark.

Ahhh Oscars Night. What a pity that it only comes once a year.

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